A Letter To My Husband About Our Relationship
Do you want your husband to desire you again?
If I had only one piece of advice, and if there was only one thing you could do to make him chase you again, it would be a hand-written love letter to your husband.
Whether you are facing divorce want to save your marriage, or you just have a boring relationship and want to reconnect and reignite the passion again, don’t underestimate the power don’t underestimate the power of a love letter.
I am going to tell you exactly how to write a letter to your husband that will make him love crazy again, flirt with you like he did when you first met, and fight for your attention, even if he has been cold and distant.
I was just going through some of the letters and cards that Kayti and I have given each other over the last 17 years.
But I have to warn you, if you Google “a letter to my husband about our relationship” and follow some of the advice you find, your letter to your husband will accomplish little more than a mild nostalgia for when your relationship was hot and heavy, but it will quickly fade like fireworks that light up the sky and burn out seconds later.
A common bit of advice is that a letter to your husband should be direct and tell them how you feel.
I don’t recommend that method. The truth is if your husband wants a divorce or says they don’t love you anymore, and if that is truly where they think they are, then your feelings are not high on their priorities list. If how you feel was enough to keep him, then you wouldn’t be here. But notice I said if that is truly where he thinks he is right now. That doesn’t mean it’s true. If he ever loved you, if he ever wanted you,it’s still there deep down.
Last night, Kayti and I saw the movie What Men Want starring Taraji Henson. In the movie she said something along the lines of what’s in a man’s mind is not the same as what’s in his heart”. That is the truth. If a man thinks he doesn’t love you anymore, or he think he wants something or someone else, that does not mean it’s true.
Trust me. There is a saying, “A man always has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason and the real reason.”
I’ve also heard it said another way, “There are two reasons a man does anything, the reason he tells himself, and the real reason.
For example, a man may buy a Mercedes-Benz. Ask him why and he might say because they are reliable.. And you could push him more for a deeper meaning, and he might say, “Well, OK that’s not really it, it’s really because I need to maintain a certain image to maintain professional credibility in our community.”
That’s the reason he tells himself. But then we find even that is not the real reason. At a primal level, he has a deep need to feel important and successful. And we find that he bought the Mercedes-Benz, because of how it makes him feel when he pulls into the office and steps out. This is true whether people see him or not.
You see everyone makes decisions based on emotion and justifies with logic. You could always drill down to a base emotional reason. It doesn’t have to be logical or even make sense. In fact, most people don’t understand what is really behind their own behavior.
According to the world-renowned coach and speaker, Tony Robbins, there are six basic human needs that are fundamental to success and happiness in all areas of our lives. These needs are responsible for virtually all human behavior. They are the driving force behind every thought, behavior, and action. People will meet these needs no matter what.
2. Uncertainty (Variety)
4. Love and Connection
So everything people do is driven by one of these needs. And how people have their needs met can change over time. Consider the man above who bought the Mercedes-Benz because of a need to feel important and successful, which would be the need for significance by the way, may have had that need met in another way in the past. That need could have been met by a spouse and isn’t now. And different people meet needs in different ways as well. When you need is not being met they will even sometimes cling to ways of meeting those needs which are destructive if that’s all they can get.
Now if you can identify the wants/needs that your husband or partner has, and get it right, they will love you forever and not even know why.
In The Shmily Effect, we teach how to do that because when you can, it will make your love letters and everything else you do 1000 times more potent. If you can speak to those needs and wants in your letters and other communication, they will be like putty in your hands and not even know why.
The good news is that you can get results even if you have not been able to identify your husband’s core needs, or how they best recognize their needs being met. If you been married for any length of time I’m guessing you do know though.
Oh and by the way, is okay to tell him how you feel as long as you make it about him. When you tell them how you feel there should be more “you” words thn “I” words.
For example, “I love you, and I can’t live without you.” If he is checked out he will not be moved by that.
On the other hand, if you knew him because of your years together you realize that he has a basic need for significance or contribution, and he relates that to his ability to provide for and protect those he loves, then you could say something like,
On the other hand, you may know him pretty well. You may realize that he has a basic need for significance or contribution, and he relates that to his ability to provide for and protect those he loves, then you could say something like,
“It’s been hard without you around. I have always loved the way you made me feel safe and secure. I never had that before. Whatever the problem he always knew what to do. That is something I love about you.”
Do you see the difference? The second example tells you feel builds them up and supports what he needs deep down.
These are just some of the letters and cards that Kayti and I have given each other over the last 17 years. There are notes here that she left me within the first few weeks of dating. I’m sure when we are gone, our children will laugh and talk about how silly we were in the olden days. Yes, that’s how my 12-year-old daughter refers to our earlier years as … the olden days.
There is something deeply intimate about a hand written letter. There is something of the soul that comes through in a way that can’t even be expressed through voice message or even a video, let alone an email or even typed letter.
I was reading some of the letters Kayti wrote to me We had only been married about eight months. Looking back I’m amazed at how well she naturally knew what I needed.
I think I have a need to be a protector, to be acknowledged and appreciated for what I do and give. The truth is I think everyone has these basic needs. Everyone wants to know that the things they do are noticed and needed and appreciated. For those things to be acknowledged, lifts them up. That’s exactly what she did in this letter. You will also notice that she is vulnerable and opens herself up and humble.
By the way this letter was written when we were together. We were not apart, she just felt like writing me one day because she wasn’t as comfortable with talking and saying what she really felt. It’s OK, and in fact, a wonderful gesture of your love to write a letter. Even to this day we still sometimes communicate better by letter.